Some Thoughts About Hypnotic Models and Working with Couples

Dr. Milton H. Erickson (1976, 1981) defined hypnosis as an experience we all have every day. When we shift into that state, we take in suggestions on a deep level because we experience a "willing suspension of disbelief." He also called it "unconscious learning" that can be stored in the back of our minds and is often forgotten. Emile Coue (1923), called the father of autosuggestion, defined hypnosis as the ability to use suggestions. There are many definitions of hypnosis and much difference of opinion as to its nature--a state, a trait, a pretend behavior. For the purpose of this article, however, Erickson’s way of seeing how we process our experience may be clinically helpful in our work, whatever our theoretical orientation. To this end, I am going to talk about work with couples and how to view this work through different hypnotic models.

When two people fall in love they entrance each other. They move into a process of sharing conscious and unconscious experience. As time goes by, each probably begins to transfer or displace onto the beloved the intense, unresolved feelings that arose in the early years when he or she was vulnerable to the suggestions, messages, and unconscious inductions of the parents, and sometimes of siblings. As the inevitable difficulties of life as a couple begin, some of the early imprinted patterns recur, and the initial flow of falling in love and expectations of fulfillment freeze into new patterns that are not so beautiful. The enchanting trance has shifted into negativity. The misunderstandings, misperceptions, and conflicts that occur are rooted in the state-dependant memories, learnings, and behaviors of each spouse, often unrecognized and outside of conscious awareness.

Virginia Satir, in her Family Reconstruction Model (Nerin, 1986; Satir, 1972, 1988; Satir & Baldwin, 1983), worked with what she called the myths, rules, and messages that are carried down from one generation to another. She said, "Make the hidden obvious, the abstract concrete, the implicit explicit and the covert overt" (1983a). In other words, she made unconscious suggestions conscious by leading people through a process in which they move from one level of awareness to another. In effect, she tracked hypnotic suggestions as they moved unconsciously from one generation to another. She worked skillfully with people by joining them with her voice tone, her language, her heart. She taught them how to observe themselves without self-judgment, which is a form of dissociation—one part the "hidden observer" watching the other parts. She paced their model of the world so completely that they felt accepted and safe. She used humor, pattern interruption, and symptom prescription so that they could come "home" to all parts of themselves. She said: "I no longer say that I know somebody. I can only say that I am in the process of knowing somebody" (1983a).

When a couple walks into the office for the first time, usually each of them wants the therapist to change the other. By the way the therapist listens, she establishes a therapeutic, that is, safe, relationship with each of them. As she listens and watches, it is important that she observe the shifts in her own awareness as the session moves along. Perfecting one’s use of self as a therapeutic instrument takes practice and discipline, and it is imperative that she not get sucked into the quicksand of the couple’s "negative trance" (the toxic automatic behavior into which they escalate) or lose sight of the transference/countertransference configuration. The skill is to be with each of them and at the same time be with the shifts and changes of their process, the process between them and the therapist, and the process within the therapist. Doing this tracking well moves into the realm of artistry, and, in my opinion, the element of hypnosis called the phenomenon of double consciousness is always present. In other words, the therapist is her own special state of awareness--or therapeutic trance—as well.

Children from infancy on spend a majority of their time in trance, absorbed in learning. They see, hear, and feel everything around them consciously and unconsciously. Often their imprinted experiences appear in adulthood. Satir (1983b), in her Iceberg Model, begins with a couple’s conscious behavior, then tracks the unconscious levels that lead to the behavior--the feeling that the behavior expresses, the feelings about the feeling, the assumptions that lead to that feeling, the unfulfilled expectations that lead to the assumptions (belief systems), the yearning for love that leads to the unfulfilled expectations--and finally reaches the vulnerable core self. It is this deep core of vulnerability and need for love that the behavior is designed to protect or express. I believe that it is important not only to find this core in each client but to help him or her experience this part, to value this part, and, most importantly, to be willing to share this core self with his or her partner. As William Masters (1975) said, "Love is the exchange of vulnerability."

Commenting in 1973 on Erickson, Jay Haley wrote:

To track a family’s unconscious programming, it is helpful to do a genogram in the first session if the couple is not in immediate crisis. A quick way to get a picture of coalitions is to get adjectives for the family of origin and significant others who have played important parts in each partner’s life. One can also look at how the family choreographs itself with regard to freedom to disagree and to express feelings, as well as implicit and explicit rules that govern social and intimate behavior. The nature of the questions and the shared impressions are designed to tease out patterns and images that create the broad background against which their relationship is perceived. Exploring their families together may add a perspective to some of the couple’s present difficulties. When they do this "family detective work" together, they share in the absorptive task of mapping the language of each family that brought them together. These explorations can evoke associations that go deeper than the cognitive level. Each member of the couple can begin to understand the language that he or she brought into the relationship.

Here are some approaches that come out of the hypnotic model:

• The therapist tries to help the couple to avoid falling into the same patterns in her office that they have been following at home, perhaps for years. It is the negative trance they have induced in each other—the automatic track of toxicity they have developed over time, each trying to protect the vulnerable self against hurt, criticism, rejection, or abandonment. I have no vested interest in whether they stay together or separate. I see the work as tracking the process, making it as clear as I can to each of them in their own language, intervening when we are going to get into the "same old, same old," using pattern interruption--humor, confusion, spatial change, distraction--to help evoke deeper levels of connection. I then get out of the way as soon as I notice them experiencing each other differently.

• Each member of a couple brings his or her unique family mind-set into the marriage. I refer to this mind-set as the family trance because our family-of-origin language programmed us from the very beginning, and often we are unaware of the power of this influence. Each member of a couple embarks on the unconscious adventure of inviting the partner into his or her own mind-set. Using unconscious hypnotic inductions, they shape each other to answer the needs that were never fulfilled in the family of origin, for example: "You never listen to me!" "You always interrupt me!" "I think you don’t really love me!" When working with couples, it is important to track how people put each other in trance and to see the family trance themes repeat themselves. The therapist can be sure that if she misses them once, these themes will come up again. It is the nature of negative trance, which repeats itself over and over—like a repetition compulsion.

• When people shift into trance, whether it is negative or positive, they shift to a level that is more experiential than cognitive and closer to the core self. This shift in a state of consciousness is a natural, everyday occurrence that we all experience when we daydream or when what we thought was an insoluble problem is resolved as we sit back, let the problem go, and think of nothing while staring out the window. It is important that each partner feels that this vulnerable core self is safe in the therapist’s presence and that the therapist hears it and accept it. Through modeling this acceptance, we can teach them to learn compassion for and acceptance of themselves and of each other.

• Sometimes I will work with the early imprints with one partner in the presence of the other. We track how a certain feeling, perception, or assumption started by using a bridge of associations. The partner can often develop a new understanding about the roots of this pattern, which then enables partner to become more accepting of the other. The following case example illustrates how two people can see each other in a new light and respond the root wounds they had not previously seen.

• The more powerful the ambivalent feelings are for each other, the deeper the imprints seem to be in couples who can neither commit to each other fully nor separate. Intervention in the trance sequence often requires a diagram or mapping of the movement from closeness to distance and back to closeness. The circular loop has become automatic and therefore predictable. Interrupting this pattern requires the therapist to break the process down into smaller parts. It is helpful to get a couple to step back, look at the pattern, and then reframe the parts. Sometimes the therapist can use age regression to go after the root imprints. Sometimes the couple can role-play into the future. The therapist can use hypnosis to help them become more creative and playful. The therapist always has the self-worth of each partner in mind. In a seminar in 1979, Erickson said, "Adults are only little children grown taller." Couples evoke the best and the worst in themselves; the task is to help them find their playfulness, their passion, and whatever feelings brought them into the relationship in the first place. Sometimes revivification and amplification of these earlier joyful experiences can neutralize the later negative experiences and enable them to move on.

In summary, the challenge of working with couples is to track several relationships simultaneously without getting caught in the couple’s negative trance. The therapist’s task is to align consciously with the couple’s stated goal while aligning unconsciously with the vulnerable core within each partner. Maintaining connection with the several relationships as they move and shift from one state of consciousness to another requires the therapeutic use of self and the ability and flexibility to move with the flow--avoiding the shallows, the rapids, the undertow, the falls, and the flash floods—in other words, to stay centered. We must also stay connected to ourselves and to our own creativity. As Carl Whitaker (1986) said: "If you can’t be creative, how the hell can you help them be more creative?"

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Jane Parsons-Fein, CSW, BCD, DAHB, is president emeritus of the American Hypnosis Board for Clinical Social Work, president emeritus of the New York Milton H. Erickson Society for Psychotherapy and Hypnosis, and president of the Parsons-Fein Training Institute for Psychotherapy and Hypnosis, which integrates the work of Milton Erickson, Virginia Satir, Moshe Feldenkrais, and Kay Thompson. She is in private practice in Manhattan.